I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
