i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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