I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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