Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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