I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
