i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
