I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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