I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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