I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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