On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
