Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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