You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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