I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
