why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
