Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
