im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
