I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
