woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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