How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
