her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
