Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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