I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
