just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
