The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
