It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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