I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
