I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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