your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
