We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
