god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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