Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
