I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
