I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
