I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
