I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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