On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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