Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
how drunk are you?
Several
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
