it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have feelings that need drinking.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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