I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize