Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
