The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just threw up on my dentist
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just found out that she named her cat after me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
