I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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