I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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