i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
