I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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