let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
