I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
