Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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