she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
