she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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