this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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