When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Randomize
