ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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