The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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