By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
