I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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