You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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